By now most people know about Chinglish. It's funny in and of itself, but even moreso when idioms and other untranslatable phrases are in the mix.

This brings us to Napoleon Dynamite, or, according to the Chinese (ahem, "unofficial") release, Napoleon's Exploding. No one turns a phrase like Napoleon, and no one mistranslates it like a Chinese bootlegger.

(Note: transcription by McDeviltoast. He rules.)

=======

Napoleon's Explosive

(the dialog of Napoleon Dynamite as told by English subtitles of the
Chinese DVD, transcribed by McDeviltoast.)

Opening scene on the bus...

Kid: You do what today, Napoleon?
Napoleon Dynamite: I what also oes not want to do!

At school...

Teacher: Naploeon, you came.
ND: Last week, Japanese scientist. The bomb sets off inside the gram.
For frying out water is strange. The Dutch space you calls Native evil
sorcery teacher Give the lake with the protection curses sexually
Still have the allies mile peaceful coexistence.

Don: Naploeon, last year do you do what?
ND: I said me that with the uncle of Alaska We returned to go snares
the sea strange.
Don: Grasp to have no.
ND: Have, 50. They still want to walk my cousin. If is you, would you
how do?
Don: What gun do you use?
ND: 12 number diametral, you think is what?

ND: Hey, can borrow your telephone?
Office lady: Out what matter?
ND: I am not that comfortable.
Kip: Hi.
ND: Grandmother at?
Kip: Not, she is doing the hair. Do you need what?
ND: Does helping me call how is her?
Kip: I am very busy now.
ND: Call she to pick me up.
Kip: Why?
ND: Because I am uncomfortable.
Kip: Did you sought the school nurse?
ND: Have no, she what also does not know. Do you come to connect to
how am I?
Kip: Help me why?
ND: Helping me take my lip block to good?
Kip: Not line, Napoleon.
ND: My lips are very suffered.
Kip: Borrow to school nurse line. I know there is 5 lip blocks in her
drawer.
ND: I just do not want to use her.
Kip: See again.
ND: Idiot.


Principal: You understand English. Dining room the right side in
hallway down stairs.
ND: Is he newly arrived boy?
Principal: Napoleon, this is in shell. Can take he go to his save the
thing cabinet?
ND: Certainly. Leave.

ND: There is a lot of ball teams in this school. A ball team hases
been seeking I join Because I fuck quite good. You take does the
school bus go school?
Pedro (AKA "in shell"): Not, I ride the bicycle.
ND: Do you ride the what kind of bicycle?
Pedro: a
ND: Wheel gear, bolt, lock. Do you did to jump up?

(Pedro jumps the ramp)

ND: You flew 3 Chinese foots high. Is it all right to let me taking a shot?

Back at home...

Grandma: How is school?
ND: This is worst a day in inside in my whole life. You think how?
Grandma: I think you see the again at leap to jump.
ND: The virtuous today dids not leap to jump.
Grandma: Boy, hear good.
Kip (AKA "is virtuous"): Do what?
Grandma: Tonight, your aunt w find out the some friend. We will just
come back tomorrow. The steak was not a lot of The will solve it
tomorrow.
ND: Do we eat what?
Grandma: Please, Napoleon. The oneself boils the thing.
ND: Literally.
Grandma: I will come back tomorrow.
ND: We need a lot of the slice of.
Kip: Nepoleon, do not envy me Because I whole line treasure plays. We
two all know to be the warrior.
ND: When to start? Your reaction is worst.
Kip: Come over to see Nepoleon.
ND: What?
Kip: I say that come over if you want to help me.
ND: Is really an idiot.
Kip: You have what fresh?
(doorbell)
ND: I open.
Kip: Day.

Deb (AKA "wear the ratio"): How are you, liking this foppery?
ND: This is a girl.
Deb: Because this is the haircut of folds.
ND: My hair has managed in the.
Deb: Perhaps you are i of handicrafts.

Rex Kwon Do commercial...

Rex: This is the to defend the system. Train a week with me. You can
have the to protect oneself The glint that is quickly As cleverness as
bear. Take a shot to class freely for today.

Deb: This is adornment with the key chain. The all is what this season
spreads.
ND: In the star I have done a lot of.
Deb: Want to make a deposit for the last university?
Kip: Who to go to the last university?

Feeding Tina...

ND: Kitty, fatty dog, have a meal, eat eat into
Kip: Is it all right to pull the city to me?

Rex: My name calls. If you study with me these 8 weeks' course You can
the system association ego defend Is I am in the ground two seasons
establishment of It is called the karate. I need a volunteer. Good,
you can, come over. Bow with the teacher. Bow with the teacher! Good
now I want an opportunity to you. Everyone, opportunity once.
Mercilessly shot I. Like very good. Everybody sees now this. Grasp my
hand Another hand My another hand. See this, I want to interrupt the
wrist Then escape from. Like, so simple. I want now you kick me. Come,
kick me. Good, again. Again. Good, you can shoot each time of. Sit
down. Besides you see just now of If learn these 8 weeks' course with
me You will learn this. The karate adopts colleague's system Can't act
alone. You need forever at the back protects you. The second, you will
learn the discipline. You thinks me today can here Because elephant I
dress up Peter? See the clear the thing that I wear. I wear the brand
of the exciting boy. You think that to ask for me? Impossible.
Finally, my student association to oneself. You feels other think I am
a failed Because do I star night club? Only 300 beautiful circle You
can now register my 8 weeks course.

Kip: Feeling the elephant is to cheats the money.

Back at school...

ND: We now is a friend?
Pedro: Is.
ND: You can at the back protect me?
Pedro: What?
ND: Calculate. Did you find out the of the dancing party?
Pedro: Is.
ND: Does someone invite you?
Pedro: Have no, I may can't seek this school of.
ND: You think invitation who?
Pedro: There of girl.
ND: section? Do you how can make?
Pedro: Give her the cake.
ND: Old girlfriend in horse in Can take airplane e dancing party
originally. But she can't at be the mold with.
Pedro: Is she very hot?
ND: The oneself sees. There is a year in her birthday I take her to go
to claps the star shines on.
Pedro: I like her fringe of hair.
ND: I too is.

Lunch...

ND: Your beard grew long how?
Pedro: Several day.
ND: Really hope me to have also. You do not eat the piece of.
Pedro: Not.
ND: Is it all right to give me?

ND: See the girl of the that direction? She came to my day before yesterday.
Pedro: Why?
ND: Do not know, doorway to a heap of discards.
Pedro: She is pretty beautiful.
ND: Does wanting me go to say with her?
Pedro: Good.

ND: I see you at drink 1% milk. Is because do you feel that you are
fat? Because you are not fat. If would like drink the milk of whole.
My save there is the thing in the cabinet. You should take because my
thing all put to do not enter.
Deb: Your save which thing cabinet is?

ND: Is it all right to give me a key chain?

Bully: Nepoleon, give me the piece of in some.
ND: Eat own.
Bully: Give me the your the piece of in some.
ND: Not line, I am famished today I what also did not eat.

(Bully kicks the tots)

ND: Disgusted. Damned idiot.


Rico arrives...

ND: You is doing what, gram uncle?
Rico: Grandmother today at to go to the sand dune.
ND: What? She goes to the sand dune when.
Rico: Look you and do not nderstand her very much.
Kip: When does the grandmother come back?
Rico: Do not know, my indetermination.
ND: You do not need to we are not childs.
Rico: Fall with the card aunt Lin say.
ND: The is virtuous already 32 years old.
Kip: I do not mind you leave.
Rico: Thank you, the is virtuous.
ND: Does the grandmother in the sand dune?
Rico: She has the boyfriend.
ND: Boyfriend?
Rico: Want to go to the movie?

Rico's football video...

Rico: Feel how?
Kip: Pretty cool.
Rico: Really think that the time turns in reverse. I will win it.
ND: This is the worst have ever seen to take.
Kip: Nepoleon, have who would know?
Rico: Know, Nepoleon? You can go away.
ND: You is an idiot.
Rico: See that?

At Big J's...

Kip: You return with company with?
Rico: Not, have no.
Kip: Why.
Rico: She is good at to envy. Say what me too how. I abandoned her.
Your girl friend?
Kip: More and more earnest now. We chat everyday two very earnest that
I think. I think of only several dollars now can just take her appointses.
Rico: She grow what kind of?
Kip: Thin light hair, pretty good-looking. Just she did not shine on
my whole body.
Rico: I have an item, the money perhaps.
Kip: True? Sound good.
Rico: Heard of the nylon.


Rico: In 1982 I can throw the quarter to the ball.
Kip: True?
Rico: Is true certainly. See this.

(hits Napoleon with the steak)

ND: Do you is fucking what?
Kip: What I say be this.
Pedro: I wanted to walk.
Rico: Want to make a bet to the rugby there. If the coach let is a
national champion early. Absoluteness can't mistake. Circumstance am
an occupation player. Earn several million in certain place. In the
hot water bathtub bath. The is virtuous, conjecture world very much.
Do you meet the dated a trip?
Kip: Easy, myself all did.
Rico: True severe.

At school...

Summer: Virtuous in shell today at?
ND: I want to have no why?
Summer: Ask literally, can give him to this?
ND: Good. Want to play with me?

Deb: You is drawing what?
ND: Liger.
Deb: That is what?
ND: Is an animal that I like most. Lion with the admixture of the
tiger. The elephant magic is general.
Deb: Your friend?
ND: Do not know, do you saw him today?
Deb: Have no.
ND: I also have no.
Deb: You need does the person drive to send you?
ND: Not, today I miss the school bus however the uncle will pick me
up. See again.

At home...

Rico: The grave eastern region is a good location. But do not go to
here, don't be rich there.
Kip: We plan how long is work?
Rico: Did your enthusiasm cool off?
Kip: Is not, 4:00 I occupy to cut wood. I regain to come to here.
Rico: All right, start earlier line. Is after end otherwise again
work. Demand how long?
Kip: 3, 4 hours.
Rico: Is money what you pay the bill?
Kip: The grandmother also helps to pay 1:00.
Rico: If have, I fling out the window outside to you.

(on the phone)

Pedro's sister: Hello?
ND: Hello?
PS: Is who?
ND: Napoleon's Explosive.
PS: Who?
ND: Napoleon's explosiv. I am the good friend of the virtuous in shell.
PS: Is your name Napoleon?
ND: Is, virtuous in shell at?
PS: Not, he now not at.
ND: Good, then see.

ND: How.
Rico: I think that we should r having the privacy.
Kip: Good idea.

At the bowling alley...

Kip (talking to his ball): Descend descend go to. Good.
Rico: Before beginning to work have the some concerns. The first, I
worry about your transportation. Can your someone borrow the car?
Kip: This is a problem. What person do I want to do not out.
Rico: Current you can borrow my truck. I may as well walk. We want to
let oneself look the elephant us.
Kip: The bracelet of gold?
Rico: We need the famous brand, have own photograph up. The appearance
wants to look the legality.
Kip: Yes.
Rico: Know where can take example and mutually?

At Deb's Glamour shots...

Deb: Good. The head changes direction the side. The fist puts slowly
in the chin. Look very good.
Kip: You can say so.
Deb: Good, do not move. Think the elephant oneself has no weight in
the ocean central the surroundings of small sea horses All right, this
piece will good to look at.
Rico: All right? I feel to realx very much. Thank you, wear the ratio.
Change you, the is virtuous.
Kip: Can having the vest me wear?

Lunch again...

ND: Where did you go?
Pedro: I got sick.
ND: The talked with you?
Pedro: No, return to have no.
ND: She say can't is?
Pedro: Another girl?
ND: Which girls?
Pedro: Leave the discards t your family a that.
ND: You are to say that wear the ratio? Be she what's#the matter with her?
Pedro: I also want to invite her.
ND: What?

ND: No one wants to be with me to date.
Pedro: Did you invited the anyone?
ND: Have no, but who would like to? I some social intercourse
technique also has no.
Pedro: What mean?
ND: Seek the work technique for example. Break the computer technique.
Girl's likes the technical boy.
Pedro: Are you good at painting animal?
ND: To, that may be I am the most experienced.
Pedro: Make uniform a want to date of girl. Then do the gift to it to give her.
ND: Good idea.

Rico makes a sale....

Rico: If you invest in this 24 of combinations I want a small gift to you.
Man: What gift?
Rico: Believe you two have no this.
Woman: I want that.
Rico: This is not general to help the brand.
Man: If we buy 24 combinations small sailboat too present together?
Rico: Yes, Sir. It is strong boy that you look. Take a shot whether it
can tore it bad. Do not hurt the oneself.
Man: Can not do it.
Rico: Does trading the term feel good?

Kip: Damned.

At Trisha's house....

ND: With at?
Trisha's mom: Sorry she is not at. She now goes to the friend there.
Rico: Hey Napoleon. Napoleon is my nephew.
TM: Very good.
ND: Is it all right to give her to this?
TM: Certainly.
ND: Thank.
TM: See again.
Rico: Pitiful child. Ever since the grandmother always at look after.
He is most the child of the stick. Very weak boy, were usually
humiliated. Like a 32 combinations?

At home...

ND: Does he fuck go girlfriend house?
Kip: Do not make my neck.
ND: You is doing what, want to break my life, shows me to rise to
think the idiocy?
Kip: Gram the uncle order the business. You made to break my hai. Is at bleed?
ND: Anything of.
Rico: The Hey is virtous. Do not see me so, Napoleon.
ND: Hoping you shut last your mouth.
Rico: Let me tell you be shell the virtuous play of time Your gram the
uncle earned 120 pieces.
ND: I use 5 second can earn to so many money.
Kip: Certainly, Napoleon. I earn 75 pieces today.
Rico: Napoleon you the good elephant has no work. You go out to feed the.
ND: You also roll, bad egg.

Trisha's house...

ND (narrating): If you be my dancing partner belong to your ,
Napoleon's explosive.
Trisha's mom: You must attend the dancing party with that boy.

At chicken farm....

Farmer: I need to move 8000 hens into new cage son. Sometimes their
noncooperation if you the good advantage manages, can accomplish.
ND: Hen very contain practical ability?
Farmer: What?
ND: There is practical ability very much.
Farmer: I do not understand what you say. You waits me here at noon we
want to eat the lunch with you together.

Lyle: There I found out the some arrows.
Farmer: I can not find my check book. The hope you do noe mind I pay
you in small change.

ND: 6 dollar. Every hour is a dollar.

(phone rings)

ND: Hello?
Trisha: Hi, Napoleon at?
ND: Is.
Trisha: Can talk with him?
ND: Be he.
Trisha: Napoleon I is with I just tell you I can attend the dancing
party with you. Still thank you as the beautiful painting in what hang
in my room.
ND: True of? I use 3 hours to just complete the color of your. It is a
best diagram that I have ever drawn probably.
Trisha: To, really very good.
ND: I pick you up to go to the dancing party for.
Trisha: All right.
ND: Good, then see.
Trisha: See again.

Pedro: Is who?
ND: With the.
Pedro: Who is she?
ND: My dancing partner.
Pedro: Did you give her the portrait?
ND: I think and should have.
Pedro: You want to wear does what attend the dancing party?
ND: Lounge suit. You?
Pedro: Wear ratio contain clothes give me.

At the thrift store eyeing the suit...

ND: Virtuous, this feel how?
Pedro: Good-looking.
ND: Look really great. Very astonishing.

Back at home...

ND: I drive to send me after missing your 1 hour out once.
Rico: Go where.
ND: Attend the dancing party.
Rico: Do you want the customer to go to together.
ND: Also will connect yes she.
Rico: I go to the there after 5 minutes.
ND: You can send again after ending I go to.

Rico: I come back very quickly. I time in inside do not bother me.
ND: Hurry t returns at wait me.


Pedro's cousins pick him up in the hoopty...

ND: You is to like that race car the game?
Cousin: We won.

ND: With west is at home.
Trisha's dad: Who on my driveway.
ND: I am to take their car to of.

At the dance...

ND: Do you want to follow the shell gets dance.

Pedro: Napoleon you arrive when of
ND: Just several minutes. You sees with west
Deb: Have no.
ND: Perhaps she went to the bathroom. Does you play happy?
Deb: Yes.
Pedro: If you can not find with west You can follow to wear the to
jump together.

ND: I like your sleeves they are very big.
Deb: Thank my do-it-yourself of.
Pedro: You get with shell is now earnest.
Deb: Not. We are just the friend.
ND: Your cloth store management how.
Deb: Very good. My sometimes can sell goods one by one if you want to
come over and see.
ND: Good of.


Next day...

Pedro: You feel would someone choose me
ND: Yes I will choose you.
Pedro: What technical ability do I have?
ND: You have a very cool sport car. You are good at to g back and
forth with girl's son. You are unique school bearded and male child.
Pedro: Right.
ND: If you need I do what for you. I am very glad to help.
Pedro: Thank. If I won You can my secretary what of.
ND: Liked too. I can also do your bodyguard or secret cutthroat.
Pedro: Good of.

At home with the "time machine"...

ND: Is that your?
Kip: Do not touch that is#what uncle's thunder can.
ND: Use to fuck what?
Kip: That time a machine. We buy on the net. It is of great use you do
not understand of.
ND: Did you try?
Kip: Have no.

Kip: Do you get ready Etc.
ND: I forgot to put the crystal. Liked to open. Close!Is a garbage
don't be useful.
Rico: I can tell him.

At the Sale Mart...

Rico: It is 12 of that I say not is 24 of. You does not understand
everything. Put to return. You know that we can not afford to buy this
of. You think our money is a tree to ascend long of. Put to return.
Give you or your younger brother takes pack urine slice.

The National FFA Organizes....

ND: That thing is to bleaches the powder.
Judge: Right.
ND: This is a milk to added the onions.
Judge: Right.

Pedro: They are very good besides a part. That nipple That is the 5
nipple. That is it of life.
Judge: Very good.

Back at school:

Summer: Please choose the. Ladies please choose the.
Pedro: Your do not feel very hot.
ND: Not.
Pedro: I felt that they ar ike to open the warm air.
ND: I feel very good.
Pedro: You do not feel that Did your head want to burn.
ND: Have no.
Pedro: I want to go home the take a rest.
ND: See again.
Don: Please choose the.
ND: I can't choose hers.
Don: That you choose who.
ND: I want to choose the shell gets the mulberry. You think. Soup. Can
give me a.

Back at Big J's....

Kip: I can take to return to my money when.
Rico: I want to write them the mail the request funds. Doing not think
can return to the past. At last science technique had with us.
Kip: I know.
Rico: You should find a person throwin.
Kip: I thered has been.
Rico: Yes she call what to.
Kip: Road the square reaches (AKA LaFawnduh)
Rico: Road does the square reach? She fucks what.
Kip: I think that we should pend a holiday together. Take a trip what.
Rico: Work. Your new product howed is investigative#
Kip: yes.
Rico: You know that does the underneath should what.
Kip: Basic top is.
Rico: You do not sell to order a lot of time.
Kip: Because she what also does not need.

At Pedro's house...

ND: I drew the single piece in publicity is for you.
Pedro: Thank.
ND: You how wear the hat.
Pedro: At the time that my head is very hot. I drank the some ice
water. But did not use hence I steeped a. Suddenly I be aware of is my
hair to. Hence I went to the kitchen to shave the hair. I do not want
to show other people.
ND: I know your meaning.

Surveying the wigs...

Deb: There is a lot of choices.
ND: That is quite good look like a basinet.
Deb: You say to that is quite good.
ND: Sorry.
Deb: I feel it that in keeping with your shell gets.
Pedro: Thank.


At school...

Pedro: Please choose the shell get (Vote for Pedro)
ND: Please choose the shell get.
Pedro: Please choose me.

Bully: Borrow my USDs 5.
Maroon kid: I have no.
Bully: I will return to yours.
MK: Stop...Give you.
ND: How is your neck.
MK: Very painful.
ND: Too what a mess. The shell gets will let you get the.

Bully: The bicycle of lending you uses me.
MK: Not line.
Bully: Hurry I give you the office.
MK: Not.

Rico canvasses the neighborhood...

Rico: You is with west.
Trisha: yes.
Rico: Remember me I your mother's friend. I am Napoleon's uncle thunder gram.
Trisha: Yes.
Rico: Can you help me. Give your mother this. Say with her the free
oming out to sit.
Trisha: Good of.
Rico: If you want the demand call me. Wish you pleased!


Napoleon throws a grapefruit at Rico's car...

Rico: What Napoleon do you want to fuck.
ND: Because you the person of#the school says that.
Rico: Clean my car right away.
ND: Release me.


The principal chews Pedro out over the pinata incident...

Principal: Hearing the shell gets I do not know what tradition you
Mexico is But we have here a thing be called the respect. Beat the
face symbolized a kind. This to you, to I with to whole school .


Deb: Did they cancel your ualifications#
Pedro: have no They just did not et me send the handbill.
Deb: Can you also attend the election.
Pedro: Yes. I am not understand. They say must not beat the doll. She
symbolizes the true person. But we have been such in Mexico.
Deb: Your hair is very beautiful today#
Pedro: thank
Deb: Like. Seeing you tomorrow the shell gets.

At home...

ND: You is who
Lafawnduh: I am a road the square reaches.
ND: You fuck what here.
Lafawnduh: I am waiting the (two Chinese characters) You are how so many sweat.
ND: I just now at practice.
Lafawnduh: Practice what.
ND: Dance step.
Lafawnduh: So you like the dancing.
Kip: Liked abou the square reaches.
Lafawnduh: Certainly.
Kip: We occupy to want to be out. Tell the thunder gram need not wait me.
Lafawnduh: Giving you you may like. My cousin does of. I go to the
outside waits for you dear. See again Napoleon.
Kip: Road it is biggest life that square reach. She is I hearts like
one colleague. I believe you to find out your lover soon. See again.
ND: See again.

At glamour shots...

Deb: This is all right.
Rico: I want to be softer with 1:00 of.
Deb: The slip of the like this very soft pink. You can use its anything.
Rico: Can.
Deb: Let me onlying think.
Rico: Know wear the You have the magic power very much Like this very
soft face Should have the very soft body to the.
Deb: Thunder can Sir.
Rico: My friend calls with the#customer my thunder.
Deb: You is fucking what.
Rico: Do not talk. Napoleon says that will be interest perhaps.
Deb: Napoleon.
Rico: Do not ask You after readying to call me.

Deb calls....

ND: Feed.
Deb: Napoleon.
ND: Yes you is who.
Deb: I am to wear the. I want to tell you I feel you are.
ND: You is saying what.
Deb: Do not tell a lie. Thunder can what how you see me. I am always
is to the oneself. If you really think so you how not eat by.

ND: The grandmother let you going home hurriedly.
Rico: She how did not tell me.
ND: She does not want to let you knowing Because you mess up everybody's life.
Rico: I where also do not go to.
ND: Leave my house.
Rico: This is a free nation. I would like to how how.
ND: You do not walk gain I call police.
Rico: Call.
ND: The day of my meeting.

So he calls Pedro....

ND: The shell gets. How are you.
Pedro: quite good.
ND: Wear just now the make phone call to me She now is affirmative to
hate me very. My uncle is an idiot.
Pedro: Do you want to send what to her.
ND: Do not know#only that she likes. Will you still lectur continously tomorrow.
Pedro: Yes.
ND: You know that do you want me to say what.
Pedro: Your opinion.
ND: Say that their dream will become the actuality. They will choose
yours. Seeing you tomorrow the shell gets.

Rico: You think you at fuck what. (after hitting the video camera with
a football)

At Rex's house wit Starla...

Rico: You say of to Here we have John the thunder with card many. Do
you want to read your testimony.
Starla: After using up your product My breast become very big. Read
this let me feeling very unwell.
Rico: This is unimportant. Do I make you feeling comfortable. You will
become like this.

Enter Rex....

Rex: Come over the bad egg!



The election speeches....

Summer: I did not think and would stand here. I think that successful
chairman Because I will two set cola machine I will repair room at the
same time. Aught I miss my meeting the chairman of the Follow I
together. You will always feel the concern of the. Choose the.

Principal: Let as now we dedicate her specialty drama.

Lady-in-the wings: If your lecture is not so good. But you can be then
still for performing time.
Pedro: Save phrased.
LITW: Perform. After lecturing want performing shell get.
ND: What performs. How no one tells us.

Pedro: Anyway I also do not want to make the.
ND: The shell gets to come after felling walk. Elephant I am similar.
Pedro: I have no what can say of.

Pedro: You are good. I have no a lot of wordses to say But I thinks
that the mulberry that you hope Come to hall that guard our school
Bring the good luck for us. We made a lot of plans. The absolute being
will bless us. If you choose me The dream that yo is all wills comes
true. Thank.

Principal: Hope below you like.

Pedro's cake inscription: The congratulation win an election the.
Finale....

ND: I bought you a very tasty perch. Want to follow me to play together.

Credits.

(Unfortunately there are no subtitles for the post-credit wedding scene.)


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